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Roy the Boy's betting guide to Monaco

NEWS STORY
22/05/2013

This weekend the fabled Monaco Grand Prix is set to entertain us. Monaco is the second smallest country in the world, a close runner-up to Vatican City which has a very different outlook on life.

The Monaco Principality does win the bragging rights as the most densely populated country on earth however. Its 2.05 sq-km contains an estimated population of 36,371.

With 515 armed police and burley private security guards prowling the marina protecting its yachts, understandably the country also claims the lowest crime rate on the globe.

But, having spent a fair amount of time in this particular pin-prick on the world’s map, I'm duty bound to point out a few anomalies. Firstly I'd estimated that 36,000 of that 36,371 population use Monaco in the same way unscrupulous businesses use PO Boxes as their contact address.

Walk those safe streets any night and you will see firsthand that just a handful of the apartments which make up the scores of tower blocks are illuminated. Between the hours of 7pm and 10am the streets can best be described as morgue-like and finding signs of life anywhere might be easier on the Moon.

Admittedly the daily occurrence of a cruise liner disembarking her anxious load sees the streets bustling. But once this throng of tourists have taken their pictures, bought their postcards, enviously peered through boutique windows and inspected the restaurant menus - which spellbind and then astonish (when looking at the prices) - they eagerly return to their boat and the evening sitting of the 'eat as much as you like buffet' like a retreating army. It leaves the Western Front morbidly quiet once more.

Of course the public persona of Monaco is of Lamborghinis and Bugatti Veyron's parked opposite the casino or moored multi-million pound yachts which have harems of stunningly tanned scantly clad vestal virgins.

That reminds me. I once, before poker was kind enough to take me to this shallow, silly and sometimes ugly concrete tundra with no centre or soul, considered paying Eddie Irvine a fortune to watch the GP on TV with the luxury of hearing the live screams of passing cars whilst sat on the back of his yacht. It took a while but I ultimately declined when realising my ego was not that big or my penis that small.

It's guaranteed, come Sunday afternoon, television producers will be whipping up their viewers into a homogenised frenzy of envy and jealousy with pictures of all that is extravagant to the point of futility and stupidity. 200 mph sports cars which have never had third gear engaged on the streets of their home town; uncorked bottles of Champaign left to waste. Neither are a sign of wealth instead medical proof of a very small brain.

Monaco's pair of beaches, at first glance in pristine condition, epitomize the place. They may appear as perfect as Holly Willoughby's cleavage but, in fact, their sand is fake. It is not even sand, it is something that resembles sand from a distance but is actually a substance which is closely related to cat litter.

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