Forget Unchained Melody dear (older) reader! Or even going cheek-to-cheek for a slow Eagles number (Hotel California anyone down the back?).
Nope! Liberty Media is looking for a Coachella meets Taylor Swift meets Beatles reunion, meets a Boris Johnson lock-down critical professional gathering which just happens to include music, dancing and alcohol... but isn't a party!
Oh, and over behind the fish bowl, just past the cat bowls, there could be a motor race!
We arrive in curious form at the demolition derby that is the Herald Angel calling across space and time for new teams to join the divine dance party of F1. Delight dear reader for Kill Bill meets Chitty Chitty Bang Bang has never been more real.
I'm breathless and I'm not even at the party yet! Such is the magic that Liberty Media weaves each and every hip-hop moment.
How did we get to this Magical Mystery Tour level of, ah, elevated senses shall we say, over adding one, two, fifteen... who knows Liberty's ultimate franchise goal, I mean teams, for the dance floor? Sorry grid.
I need to grab a Ryan Reynolds Aviator Gin before I continue such is the fever brewing on my brow...
Glug... glug.. Ok where wuz we...? Oh yeah, getting drunk on our own awesome. New Teams! Spread the love, but do not dilute the dollars to the point where buying small Caribbean counties is a stretch for some team owners.
Consider the curious bunch now queuing outside the F1 Night Club (for that is what it is becoming). Looking more like the mob trying to enter the Cantina in Mos Eisly back on Tatooine, we have the following hopefuls decked out in their best disco togs and platform shoes.
The Andretti - GM bid. From behind his mixing decks DJ-Sulayem has jived "How could we say no?" Well, given the FIA's world class ability to say no to Rotary engines, adaptive suspension, V12, V10, and V8 engines, not forgetting driver aids, the list is near-endless. I'm sure one more tiny "no" (dare not use a capital letter, might spook those petals in the FIA) is not going to be a problem. We shall see.
Then we have, as noted in the recent article Return of the BAT man, everyone's favourite pre-Horner F1 super villain, Craig Pollock. His bid with Team Equal ticks so many buzz-word compliant woke requirements it would make a vegan trans-sexual minke whale faint.
Then we may, or may not, have a bid backed by one, none, or many Asian billionaires. Let's see what emerges under the glow of the glitter ball as the dry ice settles.
Ford has sneaked in via the rear fire escape to cuddle up with an ex as Dancing Queen slams out the speaker towers. They purchased Stewart Racing, painted it green and launched Jaguar F1 to be "the British Ferrari" before it all went poops and was turned into Red Bull, who, as readers that actually follow the sport on track, rather than just the dancing and politics, will know, have finally turned that Ford dream of yesteryear into a multi-championship winning John Travolta of the (soon to be) Saturday Night Fever of night parties. Sorry I mean night racing.
Ryan Reynolds who now appears to own more slices of American Pie than 10,000 Don McLean fans, has been given a free pass at Alpine, along with a few celebrity mates, so let's see how that goes. Certainly, his track record with "turnarounds" and "start-ups" is exceptional. I'd currently call him an angel-investing entrepreneur who is an occasional part time actor. Indeed, I'd watch for strong improvements at Alpine if they can get the group dance steps choreographed perfectly for an entire season.
Audi are sliding in with a VIP skip-the-line pass to simply take over the artist formally known as Sauber who have been partying as Alfa Romeo these last few dances.
Porsche, VW, Lamborghini, Maserati... all occasionally drop friends a text saying they "...might swing by later in the evening." Yet never manage to actually turn up.
Now we get to the final eye-widening possibility... Please dear reader work with me and have the opening lines of The Simpsons theme running in your mind... then breathlessly croon with me "The LKY SUNZ" Yes, (to that tune...) The LKY SUNZ!! Clouds parting...
So now we have the cognitive dissonance in your minds clashing traditional F1 with a dance party pumping ABBA's Dancing Queen on Tatooine, while trying to hum the opening to The Simpsons. To perfect the moment let me quote from the LKY SUNZ public statement of intent...
The LKY SUNZ will bring a whole new style and entertainment culture to Formula 1. The business will merge hip-hop culture with the World's biggest annual sporting series, sending young communities across the US all the way to its home continent of Asia into a frenzy getting them hyped that there's a new team that looks like them, speaks like them and acts just like them - because LKY SUNZ is them.
My new bestie ChatGPT would blush deepest red at the very idea of outputting that statement! Let alone the grammar and apostrophe abuse!
Apparently this idea for the ages has already on-boarded "...expertise from the world of Formula 1, wider motorsport community, popular culture, motorsport education and business." They go on to state that they will then internally create the next generation of "...both male and female thorough its own local and world wide educational programmes and global motorsport development academies".
It then gets to the shot for the money... They are going to list, rather helpfully saying it might be on the Hong Kong, Singapore, Japanese or New York stock exchanges, and are seeking initial seed investors willing to drop $3m US on the deal for 1% of the company. In return you will get one (go on count them, one...) paddock pass for the season! They go on to note this does not include travel, accommodation, meals etc.
Well, all of sudden we reach a mike drop moment! Everyone is caught doing a Madonna "Strike a Pose" moment when the music stops the house lights go up, and it all looks a bit silly!
Dry ice sulking around their ankles, the Andretti family look like the remains of a Guns'n'Roses after party. Ford appears to have swallowed an F-150 load of lemons and Ryan Reynolds has just told a joke so off colour that Otmar Szafnauer has fainted, spilling his Aviator Gin all over the dance floor (anyone got a spare Wrexham scarf to mop that up?).
Craig Pollock looks fit to crush a Barbie doll in frustration at someone using several marketing phrases he did not dream-up for the under 55s.
The FIA dance party is blown!
How can all those mostly pale-male-and-stale teams hope to hip-hop over THAT entry? Thank goodness Craig at least made a headline thing of females! Phew! Near miss right there!
Dear reader. What is DJ-Sulayem to do? How does he work with Liberty Media to ensure that no one gets their arm cut off by a grumpy old Jedi at this dance party? To be honest I've not checked if we have a formal entry from the Jowas. Either using Luke's old speedster or possibly a Millennium Falcon on wheels. Heck their Crawler is probably faster than this year's Williams... Given the LKY SUNZ offering the Jowas are in with a good chance of replacing those has-beens over at Mercedes on the 2026 grid.
It's moments like this that highlight just how much F1 has to give in the coming years that such an offering can be tendered to the FIA. Nothing, if not remarkable, is their ability to get people to the dance party, and then at the end of the evening, like all good girls on a first date, deliver a polite "No."
Oh yes. At this particular dance party the FIA, and Liberty Media are in control, and they will snub who they want to. Why even those cool cats hip-hopping the night away over at LKY SUNZ.
Hang on. Ryan Reynolds has just turned Andretti's baseball cap backwards, and passed him a stiff Aviator... Oh My! The party could be back on!
Indeed, It's Kylie... "They should be so LKY, LKY, LKY, LKY..."
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