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Princes in Paradise

FEATURE BY MAX NOBLE
20/03/2018

So Lewis legally minimised his tax bill in full accord with UK and European tax laws. Nothing to see here move along...

Some years back some magazines covering Formula One branched out into lifestyle pieces about the drivers. Little pick-me-ups for the casual fan like: "My top twenty-five Ferraris in my two hundred car collection", "Best nineteenth century wines to drink while on your sixty metre yacht in Monaco" or "Best on-ground support for personal jets when hopping around the USA".

These Princes of the fast lane already have stunning day jobs and eye watering incomes (or eye watering wallets if they drive for Sauber or Williams), the need to highlight what you can achieve away from the track if you've a ten digit bank balance is more than a photo opportunity too far. It is, simply, poor taste writ large.

So as the curtain prepares to rise on a season that alarmingly might yet prove most memorable for moving us all closer to a true Super Bowl experience, what are some of these Princes doing, and what shape is paradise in right now? Globally warmed and burnt at the edges, or golden beaches and shimmering sunsets...?

I have to start with Lewis. For those that wish, following this driving, driven, rock star of a driver is easy. Sign up to one of his social media feeds and you can accompany his many exploits. To what extent that brings you joy, confusion, or a Making America Great Again-sized headache and compulsive teeth grinding is a personal matter.

I delight in some of his actions, and growl at others. Yet overall he is a remarkable character that drove a near-flawless 2017 season. Only Schumacher at his mightiest was such a points-winning machine race after race. Anyone who needed proof of the towering mountain that Nico scaled need look no further than Valtteri's points haul, or Vettel's faded challenge, to grasp that Lewis is no longer a mere Prince, he is the current King and, rule changes notwithstanding, looks set to remain that way for some considerable time yet. Heavenly drives on track, life in paradise off it. Lewis truly is King of his chosen kingdom. And to be honest, with his unique combination of cheek, ability, style, and raw character I truly hope he is around for a long time to come... be that on track, or off.

Prince Valtteri could be living in miniature the life of Prince Charles. A worthy chap. Some good points, some missteps. Yet cursed to live in the times of a mighty ruler in no hurry to move along.

I believe Valtteri is set to inhabit the same segment of Paradise that both David Coulthard and Mark Webber, ah, 'enjoyed', during their time in the F1 Kingdom. It's a living Valtteri, and you are within the bounds of Paradise, so keep the Princely armour clean and smile. Above all smile!

My word! The world is a cruel place for so many, so if your biggest complaint is "I was forced to come second to Lewis for a few years while traveling the planet in total luxury and earning tens of millions..." Well heck. Ask any Syrian... it could be a whole lot worse. I mean way worse than getting last week's front wing... way... worse...

Oh dear, who next but the current Black Prince, aka, Sebastian Vettel. Or was he more the Sheriff of Nottingham this past season? A dastardly twirl of the moustache and a dramatic wave of the cape would not have gone amiss as he strolled the fields of Paradise brow furrowed and teeth gritted always arriving a little too late to ever trouble Prince (Lewis) Charming. His stallion going all pumpkin coach on him as the season progressed did nothing for his mood, but did add a delightful touch of pantomime to season's end. No doubt having watched Fawlty Towers end-to-end fawlty-two time's in the off season, Prince Vettel now knows the answer to life the universe and everything. Or maybe he has relaxed into a beautiful life that can be well lived... even while coming second to Lewis. For the sake of competition this season I hope coming second is not too relaxed for him. We need a bit more Webber and a bit less Coulthard within Vettel to make this season a fight. Hint Seb; you are not Lewis' team mate. We repeat you are not Lewis' (number two) team mate...

Then we have the two young Princes with the flashing smiles, easy sword play, and youthful charm over at Red Bull. This past season Paradise was big enough for them both to take to the battlefield, the playing field, or the moaning about their engine field, with more than enough room for them to both swing Claymores and not draw a drop of blood from one another.

Expect the easy sweet scent of delightful playfulness, and dreamy nights of F1 Paradise 2017 to turn darker this season. Those easy swings with the Claymores are going to nick skin, and blood will spill in the courtyards of Castle Red Bull. Don't expect either of them to get out unmarked. And yet, more of Prince Ricc-here-comes-the-second-"I"-do would be so welcome! He wants to win. He is a tough competitor. He takes the racing seriously, but himself not so much. He knows he is living an amazing life writ large on the stunning screen of global sport. If only all the Princelings could see life as such a great adventure! Heck... if anyone can get some smiles and chuckles out of the Court Jester (Christian Horner) this season it has to be Daniel.

Prince Kimi is good. He knows he is in Paradise his way. He knows what he's doing.

Prince Stroll was already in what many would consider Paradise. Yet for him that world was not enough. So he asked daddy to bring him more worlds as his play things. This only has one ending, let us hope the good folk of the Williams Kingdom do not see their corner of Paradise raised to the ground as effectively as if by Dragon fire by the time the Strolls have finished walking all over them. (Cue flawless Ed Sheeran song... plus montage of Williams past glories...).

The other driving Princes? Well, all varying shades of smiling and waving as they enjoy the ride. I think Prince Magnussen has been organising a grand Ball for them all, or something like that I might have misheard, so I guess they are all getting on with enjoying their special place in Paradise. Excellent.

Then, away from the actual driving, we have some of the older Princes. When the great Overlord Bernie stepped down from the Golden Throne a number of Princes stepped out of the shadows and all claimed a slice of Paradise. The confusing thing being that, as the very well paid Court Jester Christian repeatedly jokes… you cannot all have all of it, there is only one whole F1 Paradise to share. So the Jester steps forward, makes a great show of offering the whole cake to the other teams... and then (depending on whether it is a matinee or evening show) either throws the cake out the window, or clamps it to his butt before making ribald off-colour jokes.

Step forward remaining Princes all; Todt; Brawn; Bratches; Carey and crew. With Battle flags flapping lazily in the sun on the other side of the field of honour, we have the unusual alliance of Prince Wolff and Prince Marchionne smiling back at the recently (self) declared Prince Carey and daring him to advance. As Obi-Wan would at this point caution "...I have the higher ground..."

If ever Princes rode forth from the gate more able to destroy the golden fields of Paradise than this questionable gaggle of would-be royals, I've not seen them. Much is now at risk.

All the driving Princes respect that they must share this amazing, unique, corner of Paradise and provide the fickle villagers (that's us dear reader) with both the entertainment, and the sport, they crave if they are to remain safe within Paradise.

Yet Prince Carey and his gang of ribald royals seem to think they can simply tell the villagers that Paradise has never been so golden and we will cheerfully believe it. Paying ever more to see ever less of it.

Some years back the great Lord Bruce Springsteen lamented "Fifty-seven channels, and nothing on." Before declaring he shot the television in the Holy Name of Elvis (a King who also had it all and lost his mind). More is frequently, not actually more, or better.

We are about to get OTT services (as long as you live in a third world non-F1 following country) giving more angles on the Princes in Paradise than the world has ever known. As the Northern Chinese proverb runs... "There are 1,000 ways to cook lamb. All of them bad." (Which I actually disagree with, but that's not my point). My point is dozens of options of how to watch Lewis lap the entire field race after race and win the Drivers' Championship with ten races to go will be no less tragic than watching the editors cut in real time from his (or her) one selected angle.

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READERS COMMENTS

 

1. Posted by Max Noble, 02/04/2018 14:09

"@cricketpo - Given the state of Aussie cricket right now... I’ll take that, thank you. :-).
(Yours still looking to prove money cannot make me happy).
"

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2. Posted by cricketpo, 02/04/2018 13:51

"Ah well good luck with the sentiment Max. These drivers are at the top of their game and like athletes are made of different stuff to the rest of us. They "drive" is on a whole different level. They have been doing this all their lives and this is all just natural progression to world domination for them. They are also surrounded by a whole bunch of yes men with vested interests in pushing the driver as a brand. Perspective is something they will only get whilst looking out of the window of their tax efficient Lear jet"

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3. Posted by Max Noble, 30/03/2018 5:53

"@Canuck - fair call on the non-drivers. However I feel the drivers have their moments when they do rather press a point about how torrid it is to not have number one status in writing, or whatever that day’s “major disaster” is...!!"

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4. Posted by Canuck, 30/03/2018 2:57

"A good article as usual Max but I really think that very few of the drivers do not realize how fortunate they are to be playing with their favourite toys on track every week-end or so. But I think the ones that need a lesson in respect are some of the team owners/managers/leaders/front office who do not realize how fortunate they are to be associated with this global sport and the millions of fan that attend or follow on TV. Sure it is a business, but the benefits are beyond what 99.9% of the fan base will never come close to knowing."

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5. Posted by Max Noble, 27/03/2018 22:37

"@JogonUK - my thanks for taking the time to misread the article. I will aim for New Improved Crud with the next article.

@ClarkwasGod - Good point about Prof Sid Watkins. I’ll reflect on a possible future article there..."

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6. Posted by JogonUK, 27/03/2018 12:55

"What an absolute pile of unmitigated rubbish ......

I care not for how those on the grid come race day choose to spend their lives away from the grid, I'm not remotely interested in their wealth or how they choose to spend it, I couldn't give a hoot for the offtrack shenanigans of those in F1 management and care even less for the continued bitchfest the armchair critics of F1 seem to espouse at every opportunity from race to race, season to season.

I feel sure the vasy majority of diehard F1 fans/petrol heads out lament the offtrack goings but have grown witheringly tired of the constant politics injected into trackside.

Ya know, from one grid weekend to the next nothing in between F1 wise matters much at all, I'm here for the qualifying, the race, the result.....what goes on inbetwen matters not a lot.

Stop writing this crud and let F1 breathe....."

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7. Posted by Spindoctor, 20/03/2018 23:14

"
"So as the curtain prepares to rise on a season that alarmingly might yet prove most memorable for moving us all closer to a true Super Bowl experience,..."
PURE CLASS!!

How wholeheartedly I agree with this piece.
Bill Shankley once said something along the lines that 'some folks think football is a matter of life & death, but let me tell you it's much more important than that...' This aphorism is both wonderfully ironic and unpleasantly true, and that was before a mediocre centre-forward cost £70m.

F1, sadly, manages to exude all the faux "seriousness" to which Shankly alludes, but none of the twinkle or cynical smile. As you say, the buggers live in Paradise. Of course you have to take balsting around in a carbon tub at 200mph pretty seriously, otherwise it might one day be literally a matter of life or death. What doesn't need the furrowed brow, and the serious po-face is the rest of the Circus.
Lewis, despite his automota-like post-race interviews really seems to enjoy his wealth. The frivolity of much of his off-track life is apparently 'letting the side down'. More accurately though as Mr Noble points out in this piece its acually letting the cat out of the bag!"

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8. Posted by ClarkwasGod, 20/03/2018 15:16

""Reflect on the fact that thanks to Bernie, Max, Sir Jackie, Ralph"

Also not forgetting Prof (should have been "Sir") Sid Watkins - Bernie's best act for F1 by far.....

'Nother good one sir! But if it does turn into another rerun of 1992, reflect on the utterly fabulous ability of the guys in Brackley to not only turn out such exquisite engineering gems, but also to totally f**k up the A43 on a summer's weekend......."

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9. Posted by RomeoPapaKilo, 20/03/2018 10:09

"Great article! A very enjoyable read."

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