20/03/2018
FEATURE BY MAX NOBLE
So Lewis legally minimised his tax bill in full accord with UK and European tax laws. Nothing to see here move along...
Some years back some magazines covering Formula One branched out into lifestyle pieces about the drivers. Little pick-me-ups for the casual fan like: "My top twenty-five Ferraris in my two hundred car collection", "Best nineteenth century wines to drink while on your sixty metre yacht in Monaco" or "Best on-ground support for personal jets when hopping around the USA".
These Princes of the fast lane already have stunning day jobs and eye watering incomes (or eye watering wallets if they drive for Sauber or Williams), the need to highlight what you can achieve away from the track if you've a ten digit bank balance is more than a photo opportunity too far. It is, simply, poor taste writ large.
So as the curtain prepares to rise on a season that alarmingly might yet prove most memorable for moving us all closer to a true Super Bowl experience, what are some of these Princes doing, and what shape is paradise in right now? Globally warmed and burnt at the edges, or golden beaches and shimmering sunsets...?
I have to start with Lewis. For those that wish, following this driving, driven, rock star of a driver is easy. Sign up to one of his social media feeds and you can accompany his many exploits. To what extent that brings you joy, confusion, or a Making America Great Again-sized headache and compulsive teeth grinding is a personal matter.
I delight in some of his actions, and growl at others. Yet overall he is a remarkable character that drove a near-flawless 2017 season. Only Schumacher at his mightiest was such a points-winning machine race after race. Anyone who needed proof of the towering mountain that Nico scaled need look no further than Valtteri's points haul, or Vettel's faded challenge, to grasp that Lewis is no longer a mere Prince, he is the current King and, rule changes notwithstanding, looks set to remain that way for some considerable time yet. Heavenly drives on track, life in paradise off it. Lewis truly is King of his chosen kingdom. And to be honest, with his unique combination of cheek, ability, style, and raw character I truly hope he is around for a long time to come... be that on track, or off.
Prince Valtteri could be living in miniature the life of Prince Charles. A worthy chap. Some good points, some missteps. Yet cursed to live in the times of a mighty ruler in no hurry to move along.
I believe Valtteri is set to inhabit the same segment of Paradise that both David Coulthard and Mark Webber, ah, 'enjoyed', during their time in the F1 Kingdom. It's a living Valtteri, and you are within the bounds of Paradise, so keep the Princely armour clean and smile. Above all smile!
My word! The world is a cruel place for so many, so if your biggest complaint is "I was forced to come second to Lewis for a few years while traveling the planet in total luxury and earning tens of millions..." Well heck. Ask any Syrian... it could be a whole lot worse. I mean way worse than getting last week's front wing... way... worse...
Oh dear, who next but the current Black Prince, aka, Sebastian Vettel. Or was he more the Sheriff of Nottingham this past season? A dastardly twirl of the moustache and a dramatic wave of the cape would not have gone amiss as he strolled the fields of Paradise brow furrowed and teeth gritted always arriving a little too late to ever trouble Prince (Lewis) Charming. His stallion going all pumpkin coach on him as the season progressed did nothing for his mood, but did add a delightful touch of pantomime to season's end. No doubt having watched Fawlty Towers end-to-end fawlty-two time's in the off season, Prince Vettel now knows the answer to life the universe and everything. Or maybe he has relaxed into a beautiful life that can be well lived... even while coming second to Lewis. For the sake of competition this season I hope coming second is not too relaxed for him. We need a bit more Webber and a bit less Coulthard within Vettel to make this season a fight. Hint Seb; you are not Lewis' team mate. We repeat you are not Lewis' (number two) team mate...
Then we have the two young Princes with the flashing smiles, easy sword play, and youthful charm over at Red Bull. This past season Paradise was big enough for them both to take to the battlefield, the playing field, or the moaning about their engine field, with more than enough room for them to both swing Claymores and not draw a drop of blood from one another.
Expect the easy sweet scent of delightful playfulness, and dreamy nights of F1 Paradise 2017 to turn darker this season. Those easy swings with the Claymores are going to nick skin, and blood will spill in the courtyards of Castle Red Bull. Don't expect either of them to get out unmarked. And yet, more of Prince Ricc-here-comes-the-second-"I"-do would be so welcome! He wants to win. He is a tough competitor. He takes the racing seriously, but himself not so much. He knows he is living an amazing life writ large on the stunning screen of global sport. If only all the Princelings could see life as such a great adventure! Heck... if anyone can get some smiles and chuckles out of the Court Jester (Christian Horner) this season it has to be Daniel.
Prince Kimi is good. He knows he is in Paradise his way. He knows what he's doing.
Prince Stroll was already in what many would consider Paradise. Yet for him that world was not enough. So he asked daddy to bring him more worlds as his play things. This only has one ending, let us hope the good folk of the Williams Kingdom do not see their corner of Paradise raised to the ground as effectively as if by Dragon fire by the time the Strolls have finished walking all over them. (Cue flawless Ed Sheeran song... plus montage of Williams past glories...).
The other driving Princes? Well, all varying shades of smiling and waving as they enjoy the ride. I think Prince Magnussen has been organising a grand Ball for them all, or something like that I might have misheard, so I guess they are all getting on with enjoying their special place in Paradise. Excellent.
Then, away from the actual driving, we have some of the older Princes. When the great Overlord Bernie stepped down from the Golden Throne a number of Princes stepped out of the shadows and all claimed a slice of Paradise. The confusing thing being that, as the very well paid Court Jester Christian repeatedly jokes… you cannot all have all of it, there is only one whole F1 Paradise to share. So the Jester steps forward, makes a great show of offering the whole cake to the other teams... and then (depending on whether it is a matinee or evening show) either throws the cake out the window, or clamps it to his butt before making ribald off-colour jokes.
Step forward remaining Princes all; Todt; Brawn; Bratches; Carey and crew. With Battle flags flapping lazily in the sun on the other side of the field of honour, we have the unusual alliance of Prince Wolff and Prince Marchionne smiling back at the recently (self) declared Prince Carey and daring him to advance. As Obi-Wan would at this point caution "...I have the higher ground..."
If ever Princes rode forth from the gate more able to destroy the golden fields of Paradise than this questionable gaggle of would-be royals, I've not seen them. Much is now at risk.
All the driving Princes respect that they must share this amazing, unique, corner of Paradise and provide the fickle villagers (that's us dear reader) with both the entertainment, and the sport, they crave if they are to remain safe within Paradise.
Yet Prince Carey and his gang of ribald royals seem to think they can simply tell the villagers that Paradise has never been so golden and we will cheerfully believe it. Paying ever more to see ever less of it.
Some years back the great Lord Bruce Springsteen lamented "Fifty-seven channels, and nothing on." Before declaring he shot the television in the Holy Name of Elvis (a King who also had it all and lost his mind). More is frequently, not actually more, or better.
We are about to get OTT services (as long as you live in a third world non-F1 following country) giving more angles on the Princes in Paradise than the world has ever known. As the Northern Chinese proverb runs... "There are 1,000 ways to cook lamb. All of them bad." (Which I actually disagree with, but that's not my point). My point is dozens of options of how to watch Lewis lap the entire field race after race and win the Drivers' Championship with ten races to go will be no less tragic than watching the editors cut in real time from his (or her) one selected angle.
And in all that time, please, Princes in Paradise, please, please learn from Daniel Two-Eyes. You are living remarkable lives of awe and wonder. To start a Formula one race and not make it past the first corner is something 99.9% of the planet will never experience. So take a moment! Breathe... feel the moment. Use some mindfulness. Reflect on the fact that thanks to Bernie, Max, Sir Jackie, Ralph, you will most probably live to retire from an amazing global sport, having simply had the time of your life, weekend, after weekend.
Heck most of us would give (someone else's) first-born for a competitive seat in Formula One. So please, if nothing else in 2018, give us a season of lives well lived, honour earned and respect given. Racing to the last gasp, but oh so grateful and respectful out the cockpit.
It. Can. Be. Done.
So gentlemen as you start your engines for what I hope is a remarkable season. Pause. Remember all the greats. Remember all the grateful dead. Honour the excited fans. Remember what drove you as a young, simple, excited, child to love racing. And in that moment get a tear in your eye, lower your visor, and give us a fight to remember! This is the time of your lives!
You indeed live in Paradise and your troubles are so few they are silly and trivial on a world stage.
So! As we salute you, please honour us! Honour your teams! Honour your heritage!
And God Bless AC/DC... on the 25th March may we all shout to the Heavens, "For those about to rock, we salute you!" and may the teams and drivers have the good grace to acknowledge what a remarkable Paradise they inhabit to elicit such a heartfelt cry!
Then, just maybe, we might all successfully maintain Paradise through this season... and beyond 2021... because it is well worthy of preservation. Just ask the grateful dead.
Max Noble.
Learn more about Max and check out his previous features, here