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Unofficial statement concerning the 'missing' Alternative Championship column

FEATURE BY MARGEIT & CROMPTON
18/06/2004

For the benefit of that handful of social malcontents who inexplicably bother reading what Rob and Crompo write, pitpass is compelled to publish the following transcript of a bizarre phone call made to Editor Balfe, allegedly by a man named Neville, presumably from Australia.

This may go some way towards explaining why there have been no ACHQ columns for either the European or Canadian GP. It is worth noting that previously published works of the Antipodean duo regularly refer to the manager of their local pub, The Plumber's Arms, as 'Nev".

Nev: G'day mate, Nev 'ere, you called Balfe?
Editor Balfe: If you are asking if my surname is Balfe, yes it is.
Nev: That's what I meant ya drongo. You run that Formyulah wun site Rob and Crompo reckon they work for?
Ed: Maybe, why?
Nev: Just thought ya might like to know where they've been.
Ed: Well I had noticed they've not sent any of their usual drivel for the last two Grands Prix
Nev: Nah, well they couldn't, could they?
Ed: Meaning?
Nev: Can't send ya anything if they're mullered mate.
Ed: So you're saying they've been on a bit of a bender?
Nev: I'm saying that they've been pi**ed stupid for three weeks.
Ed: Any idea why?
Nev: Started on Monday after that you-row-peen race. Came in full of bad manners and dead-keen for a drink.
Ed: Did they say anything that would indicate why they were upset?
Nev: Weren't just upset mate, they'd chucked their teddies right outta the cot.
Ed: Fine, but did they say anything?
Nev: Didn't even bother ordering Sheila-Shandies, went straight for the hard stuff. I'm talkin' the sorta grappa that comes in big, cheap drums mate.
Ed: Very interesting but did they tell you why they had, as you say, chucked teddy out of the cot?
Nev: They've said a lot since then. Most of it makes less sense than a dingo wearin' a dinner suit.
Ed: Did they say anything about Formula One?
Nev: Yeah, but they've also said a lot about bits of female patrons that decent blokes don't.
Ed: Fine. Look, thanks for the call. I appreciate it.
Nev: Hang on there mate. I don't give a rat's about you or them. I just want their five-grand bar tab settled.
Ed: Oh, I have another call coming in. Do you mind waiting?

To the best of Editor Balfe's knowledge, Nev is still on hold and eagerly awaiting information concerning payment of Rob and Crompo's bar tab.

Looks like we might be resorting to the begging bowl again

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