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Alternative Championship Round 6 - 2004 Monaco Grand Prix

FEATURE BY MARGEIT & CROMPTON
25/05/2004

"...What a cracking race! Everyone here in Monaco is buzzing and I'm sure that those of you who saw this one are buzzing too…"

Those, quite clearly, are not our words. According to the patron who sent the missive containing the above, they are the words of long-time ACHQ target of vitriol, ITV's rabid ranter, James Allen.

It is of course against our work ethic, to verify whether or not Jabbering James actually said or wrote such words even if the sentiments are of a nature that suggests he did.

Whosoever might responsible for that quote, we regretfully accept that, on the basis of the majority of reports we've encountered since the conclusion of the Monaco GP, the general tone of moron-media output is alluding to much the same sort of twaddle.

Initially, we thought it might be amusing to address the literal content of the offending quote. Something which perhaps calls into question, the metaphoric invocations such as; when the author says that everyone was buzzing, are we to assume that, without exception, the populace of and visitors to, the otherwise dignified and restrained principality were engaging in an outwardly embarrassing collective fit of impersonating bumble bees?

Then we realised that such a response would be even sillier than the quote in question and according to our many critics, we are already quite silly enough. Thus, we decided to give over, whatever remains of this introductory phase of our column to the righteous correction of the "it was a great race" anomaly.

It was not a great race. It was an incident-filled race. Great races are, unsurprisingly, eponymously peppered with great racing. Once again we remind those too new to the sport to know any better, that great racing is a matter of drivers vying for, battling over and regularly exchanging, positions on the track, preferably with respect to positions of importance such as the lead.

With that in mind, we contemplate the only 'pass' we saw during the entire event. Montoya passed Rubens. Great, 70 odd laps and one pass. Whoopee diddy doo doo. What a cracker eh?

On the other hand, let us contemplate all that which leads the snout-in-troughers to suggest that this was in some way a great race.

  • Sato's Honda attempts to set a new record for impairing visibility.
  • Said impaired visibility causes Coulthard to travel even slower than usual, thus affording Fisichella a chance to explore the aerobatic capabilities of his Sauber.
  • Said aerobatic experiment causes a red flag to momentarily show up, before being banished to the box of 'things that cock-up television coverage schedules'.
  • Ralf, while struggling with his mount and being lapped, gives cause to Fernando to leave the sanctity of the racing line and thus conduct his own experiments regarding the side-impact integrity of his Renault.
  • Said side-impact experiment causes pace car period, during which Michael suffers a collision with Montoya, who is also in a Williams and also a lap down.

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