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2012 Abridged Formula One Glossary

FEATURE BY GLEN CROMPTON
14/02/2012

As the new season creeps ever-nearer, Antipodeans Mat Coch (right) and Glen Crompton (below left) got it into their head that Pitpass' readership might benefit from a glossary-guide to the 2012 F1 season.

Admittedly this occurred late at night in a public house and, unlike sensible authors who awake the following day and realise the folly of their drunken scribblings, Mat and Crompo went ahead and submitted their offerings to editor Balfe - who was curiously reminded of the days when he tried to mitigate contretemps the popular yet disturbing Alternative Championship - and just published Mat and Crompo's rubbish as submitted.

Certain inaccuracies may be found in this article since submissions to the editor were mostly scans of what looked suspiciously like the back of a sordid, dank collection of beer coasters and cheap takeaway napkins.

2012 Formula 1 Season - 1. Series of racing events conducted globally in order to see how good Sebastian Vettel and Adrian Newey really are. 2. Latest incarnation of Bernie's Magical Money Machine.

Acrimonious Magnetism - Little known sub-branch electromagnetism conceived by Mat and Crompo very late one night; infers the greater the acrimony between drivers the greater the probability that they will collide.

Adrian Newey - F1's answer to folklore's Merlin whose graphic doodles have hewn championships for a disproportionately large number of teams.

Adrian Sutil - Former F1 driver and someone definitely to be avoided in nightclubs.

Annoying interloper - Commercial management "outsider" eager to share opinions despite apparent lack of pedigree. No names here, we'd rather fry in hell than suffer parr reaching legal action.

Bahrain - 1. Peaceful country and host to one of the most popular events on the calendar. 2. Cashed up gulf state attempting to use Formula 1 to cover social oppression.

BBC - Publicly funded British free-to-air broadcaster ensuring viewers' access to live events. Latterly, publicly funded British reseller of current live F1 broadcast rights to not-so-free-to-air broadcaster, thus confounding the first definition.

Bug-Eyed - Syndrome sometimes equated to inmates of male prisons, for 2012, refers to the aesthetically unappealing location of cameras on the tip of the car's nose cone.

DRS - Doesn't stand for Dubious Revenue Supplementer - that's probably just a bonus. Hopefully its designated use zones don't influence nearby grandstand prices.

Damon Hill - World champion, son of a world champion. Acquitted himself honourably up to the part where he recently declared everything is just peachy in Bahrain.

Felipe Massa - Incumbent occupier of the "other equal" Ferrari and latest of a string of notable "lesser equals" at Maranello - think Rubens, Irvine... actually, no forget Irvine, we're still trying to.

Ferrari - Mercurial, passion-evoking Italian team known for vacillating twixt mediocrity and supremacy, embroilment in controversy, and, latterly, being crap since the departure of incumbent FIA President Todt.

Flexi-Wing - Alleged advantage of Red Bull which had the sport in a flap. Despite the Darwinian success of flapping wings on birds, "exploration" of this technology did not help Ferrari.

Fernando Alonso - Double world champion with Renault, caused a bit of controversy at McLaren, went home to Renault without replicating his success but managed a bit more controversy, then went to Ferrari to help them underachieve.

Grid-Filler - Derisive slang applied to teams with no hope of attaining points, which also tend to be the most recent admissions to F1.

Guest Steward - Rotating seat on the Race Stewards' panel whereby former GP competitors are drafted for one-off engagements much like celebrity judges on TV talent shows... and to much the same effect.

KERS - A push-to-pass system introduced to F1 while the sport tried to look like the idea was swiped from other formulae.

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