Apparently, Ralf is too grand to sign on, even though he has signed a contract, but could someone please remind me what he has actually done? Emmo was politeness itself even when he was jet-lagged. While I was speaking to Emmo, Ralf was in a sulk, but not in England.

I have sometimes had little difficulty in controlling my enthusiasm for Michael Schumacher, but I cannot believe that Michael would be so unprofessional. Michael is professional to his fingertips. I was in the paddock after the United States Grand Prix last year, and I saw Michael close up as he congratulated Mika, who won. I liked what I saw. He was genuinely pleased for Mika, for so long his main rival, who had had a miserable 2001 season.

I see that Ralf reckons he should win the World Championship by 2004. Dream on, boy. Only champions win championsips. Juan Pablo Montoya is ahead of you in the queue. Montoya has been a champion at a senior level.

Apparently, Ralf doesn't like coming to England, where he used to have more fans than in any country except for Germany. I suspect that Ralf has fewer fans in England now. Ralf doesn't deserve fans. He behaved disgracefully to his fans and he behaved disgracefully to Sir Frank.

Ralf Schumacher is a little shit, a spoiled brat. Our editor won't say so, but I can say so. Maybe Ralf could try being faster than Juan Pablo Montoya, who did sign the chit when he ran at Goodwood last year and who was thoroughly pleasant.

I don't measure pleasantness by the willingness of stars to sign auotgraphs. I didn't shove a piece of paper in front of Emmo, I thanked him for his time and for all the pleasure he had given me. Next time our paths crossed, he smiled at me and you could have toasted muffins on that smile. I think that autograph hunters are really sad people.

At the Festival, I wanted to speak to an old friend, Murray Walker, I couldn't get near him. I've know Murray for 25 years but I couldn't get near him for the autograph hunters waving programmes.

I was at one Festival when a hunter/gatherer homed in on me, he had a race programme in one hand and a pen in the other. He was scavenging for autographs.

Hunter (offering the weapons of his calling): Would you sign this. please?
Me (with a becoming modesty my friends would not recognise): You don't want my autograph.
Hunter (sensing a major coup): I certainly do.
Me: But I'm not famous.
Hunter: You look famous.
Me (drawing on years of academic training): If I am famous, you'll know who I am.
Hunter (utterly distraught): I though you was Bernie Ecclestone?

(If only I could persuade my bank manager to let me open a line of credit on the grounds that I might be Bernie Ecclestone. In my case, two Bernies rolled into one.)

Tell you another story about the saddoes. About three years ago I arranged to meet with Chris Balfe at Silverstone. He was running a competition, there were signed copies of one of my books to be won, and I was to sign them at Silverstone. We met close to the BRDC clubhouse and he was with his wife, the gorgeous Gilly, and a couple of friends. From a distance it looked like I was being mobbed by fans.

Sure enough, a crowd gathered and I, feeling mischievous, signed any piece of paper thrust at me. I could see people walking away, reading my signature with puzzlement. Didn't he drive a thingy, or am I thinking of someone else? While I was basking in the attention of my adoring fans from the corner of my eye I noticed that, for once in his life, Stirling Moss was able to slip into the BRDC clubhouse completely unmolested.

I have no time for the saddoes. I sign copies of my books for two reasons. The first is that there is a special relationship between author and reader, and I always try to sign in a special way, even if it is only adding the date and the place. The main point, which is why I go around booksellers offering to sign everything in sight, is that once a book has been signed, it has been 'defaced' and the seller cannot return it to the publisher.

I'm not stupid.

Could it be that Ralf cannot actually read or write? He spent his early days karting so must have missed schooling. Could it be that Ralf has to make a cross or stick his thumb on a document? Has anyone ever seen Ralf read anything without moving his lips? I think we should be told. This could be the case because there is no other reason why Ralf could not sign his name on an insurance sheet, which has been signed by the likes of Mario, Sir Stirling, and my new mate, Emmo.

Perhaps Ralf needs professional help. Until he seeks that help, in my book he will remain a little shit. I don't mind saying so, but then I am a guy who once told Jim Clark where to stick his wagon.

"Slot nine, Mr. Clark."

That's the kind of guy I am.

Mike Lawrence

To check out Mike's previous articles for pitpass... click here

To check out editor Chris Balfe's opinion of the Festival of Speed... click here