Heck the Doors and the Beatles are going to reform at this rate!
How my heart skipped when I saw that Max and Bernie had reformed for an unscheduled acoustic set in London recently! We only needed a Catholic Nun to get the ball rolling, and a pile of pursuing comedy policemen to set chase... Oh hang on, Max and Bernie have already done that...
With all that money still in the game, you can rest assured this is only the first appearance of what I'm sure will be a come-back tour that makes Status Quo look like first timers, and the Rolling Stones lacking in staying power.
The Simon and Garfunkel of Croydon. if you like, are back on the road, except Bernie and Max are wiser and richer than those two old crooners by a wide margin.
So why tour at all? For the love of the art... Nothing more I'm sure. Studio albums lack that direct engagement with the fans that both these guys secretly live for. Money is just a crude way of keeping score for those of limited intellect that cannot tell when Bernie or Max has just soundly beaten them. I have heard that Bernie sends his quarterly net worth statement to Ron Dennis just for giggles, but I'm unable to confirm that particular rumour.
Max is simply Bernie with the $50 accent and the more traditional tailor. He simply loves a good game of "I'm smarter than you!" And still has not got over his failure to be the smartest British PM since Peel. Hence his near unstoppable desire to tell people, especially the English establishment and short Frenchmen, just how much smarter he is than them.
Now, in the defence of short Frenchmen both old and new, they do have a different approach to the game. The French way is to discuss (argue) in private, and then only go to a public statement when all parties agree and can publicly appear arm-in-arm to declare an already confirmed position. All very polite, with no sabres at dawn to refine any misunderstandings. No, all the flashing blades are wielded privately under the dark skies of a new moon and no one openly talks about their conquests. That's simply the polite society way of killing one another and not having to stump-up for a public funeral.
Whereas the British and Americans are all heart on the sleeve over-emotional I'm going to ambush you in public just-to-see-your-face types... That is except for the wiser ones like Max and Bernie who very, very carefully select their bow and quiver based on what they are going to (note, going to, not trying to...) kill. So now they find themselves writing the best of Bernie and Max and wondering just how far they can push the game before someone realises it is a rerun, a remix, or the direct-to-TV movie that no one ever asked for at the end of a great movie saga. Or, as is my opinion, our two budding blues mothers are seeking to do a Kate Bush and release the remastered version of what they really intended to do the first time.
The parallels are too many to ignore... Fast cars, smokes, shades, late nights, fast days, an out-dated soundtrack. Ageing stars with one last tour calling them back from the edge. Heck get Fat Boy Slim to do the remix and editing and we've got the 1980's all back under control just in time for Christmas.
And really it must be Christmas for someone. Bernie is going to such great lengths to wrap up a gift at a bargain price and Bernie never does anything without a reason. Or is it just the love of the song?
Why, if I were to place my conspiracy hat firmly on my head I'd be betting half the issues in the world at the moment were playing out to amuse Bernie for this, his first farewell tour. German bankers, irksome manufacturers, new-age old-school reinvented Ferrari, FormulaE, and now the Robo, or is it Robert, championship; where Robots, or is it Roberts, will battle it out like, well, like a really big Scalextric set. And lastly, Europe still has an annoying short Frenchman to banish to Elba. Can the raw samples, and sound bites get any better for this Symphony that Bernie and Max wish to create then perform, and perform loud, to one and all?
So what is this symphony going to sound like? I believe the opening movement is going to be slow and menacing like Holst's opening to Mars (God of War), with the most delicate traces of a potential love theme hovering just on the edge of perception, but never springing to full flowing life. This movement is longer than the usual opening movement and, I believe, is drawing to a close as I type. The second movement is going to be more energetic, and will reprise themes from the much loved Bernie and Max back catalogue. Hints of dreamy 1970's afternoons with endless Sunsets at Silverstone. Some serious-suits confrontation and clashing chords from the 1980's. Then a hint of unstoppable master beats from the 1990's. Before plunging into a swirl of confusing dance-trance inspired discordance with the string and wood-wind sections raging around an encircled and confused ensemble of French Horns. Yes, the second movement is going to leave the listeners uncomfortable with the overall sound, confused as to what will happen next, but unable to stop listening in angst-laced fascination.
The third movement is going to be the big artistic gamble. An unexpected clash of styles that only Bernie and Max with their years of live Jazz improvisation stand any chance of pulling off. While leaving the French Horns to sound off in their own sonic direction, Max and Bernie are going to attempt the nearly unlistenable, combining a Madonna remix of a Sousa March with classic Italian Opera and some Zef-inspired rap rave, with the melody bouncing between Bernie's Philip Glass inspired mono-tone solo, and Max remarkably playing an AC/DC inspired guitar solo on a fifteenth century lute. Like watching two rhinos juggling chainsaws on ice skates, the F1 loving public are going to be ashen faced in horror, yet unable to look away as these ageing Glam-rockers hit a pace of performance that must surely end in disaster. More questions asked than answered, the third movement is going to leave the audience in turmoil.
The fourth movement will return to the safe ground of a reprise of all the crowd favourites. Max and Bernie will bounce solos off each other as only the best Jazz soloists can. The French Horns, forgotten by most and unnoticed, will take a break, and the German and Italian sections of the orchestra will quietly leave the stage for a quick glass of water and a rest before the finale. Bernie will judge the mood of the audience perfectly, and turn his final solo into a vamp that allows the entire orchestra to retake the stage sliding smoothly back into the soundscape, as the rising tempo and urgency of the beat sweep the audience into the excitement of the fifth and final movement.
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