05/02/2024
FEATURE BY MAX NOBLE
When Commodus utters the words "Are you not entertained?" During the final gladiatorial showdown in Gladiator it concisely articulates the human desire for struggle in a combat setting.
One need not take too many seconds fingering the pages of history to see that us humans have a tendency to go to war, a lot. Ever since the tribes fled Egypt, and indeed before that for we love to divide and conquer from the genetic level upward. Just ask any virus. Way back then we were too busy fighting to write, humanity loved nothing more than to define people as "not one of us" and promptly set to arms. If modern society has shown at least a small step towards, well, improved humanity, it is the adoption of fevered sporting combat as opposed to the bloody field of battle.
How are we entertained dear reader?
On the traditional field of battle one can currently pick sides in Europe, the Middle-East, Israel/Gaza, and many smaller second division match-ups across Africa. While China-Taiwan is currently like a season build-up of advertisements for either Big Brother or "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here". North Korea continues threatening to be an alternative to either UFC, Bellator MMA or is it really WWE? I think Kim "Human Cannonball" Jong "Mad Dog" Un is going more for the WWE vibe and fame than thermo-nuclear war... or at least let's hope so.
Which brings us to games without frontiers and players without flags. As Peter Gabriel nearly sang.
Having just savoured the delight of watching Australian Open Tennis live it was fascinating to see 15,000 people in a large box (Rod Laver arena) cheering for a Serbian, an Italian, a German and a Man With No Flag. Murmurs of concern, frantic shouts, utter hushed silence, polite claps and occasional fervid cheers. But most of all respect for the other 15,000 around one, the rules of tennis and the mighty fight of the on-court game.
Not a single AK-47 in sight. Why at one point we even had a (one assumes) cheerful group of Chinese nationals waving Chinese flags between points. And, mostly, applause for a great point by any of the players during play. Respecting the power and awe on display.
Is not sport a greater forum for national battles than the bloody fields of Flanders, or the West Bank, or Southern Europe or the Pacific islands or the 38th parallel? Is not a hand reaching out to signal engaging in friendly competition better than a live hand-grenade rolled cheerfully under the toilet-stall door to make a point?
One need only witness the polite respect of heavyweight boxers when they, usually, hug and mutter words to one another after a ruthless bloody bout, to see what healthy sporting competition does for respect.
So to Liberty Media, the FIA, and what is fast becoming season 2024.
Stefano Domenicali as Commodus is tragically good casting. He has tried to stab Maximus in the shoulder a number of times these last few seasons to enliven the fight while ensuring his own success. Instead he increasingly has blood on his hands, while snatching bloody defeat from the fangs of victory. Draining the sporting blood from F1 in the name of entertainment is not about to improve the spectacle or the battle for anyone. Toto, Christian and V. Max have all taken turns playing Maximus. For some reason Lewis was always caste more as King Leonidas making a Spartan last stand, rather than an overpowering battlefield monster - which for years was his true role. Toto took the arrows for him, while Lewis would slay dragons, gorgons, and Demi-Gods with impunity for seasons on end... more on Sir Lewis another day.
Yet it is this love of the battle, within some sort of guiding framework, that draws us humans to the sporting arena time and again. Place the dollars before the battle and soon one has no spectacle at all. Are Liberty Media legally blind or just colour (of money) blind? They want to maintain, nay, grow, the income stream. But by focusing on the razzmatazz they are rather blind to the fact that it is the sporting battle on the edge of the humanly possible that excites and thus drawing us like vampire bats to the fatted calf.
During the American Civil War on weekends the gentle folk would drive out in their carriages to watch the events of the days' battle unfold. Indeed Lincoln was so fascinated to watch the action first hand that Confederate snipers had opportunities to eliminate the great man. On one occasion the man standing next to him was shot in the leg, the bullet missing Lincoln by mere feet. A love of the fascination of battle so strong Lincoln was willing to risk his life to see it first-hand. Now that's an adoring fan!
Thankfully we do not have to risk assassination to enjoy the sporting battle of F1. Yet if Liberty Media turn it into much more of a WWE-style battle of the Super Egos, all set to pounding rock music, then the mystique is gone, replaced by the fake sizzle.
The best Roman gladiators lived privileged lives, eating well, living in fine accommodation and with a ready supply of adoring women. While it was a dangerous living, for the best part it was not that dangerous. Death in battle was rare. It was recaptured escaped salves, and later Christians, who were set into battle against one another, or thrown to the lions, to sate the crowds' blood cravings with on-field deaths. No. The finest gladiators did rather well.
So Liberty media can have their version of throwing the Christians to the lions. That is concerts, 'fan experiences', and no end of other surreal side shows. Just so long as the main event remains just that.
F1 is in danger of becoming all Christian blood down the toga, and not a sporting moment in sight. You'd think there was enough good Roman sporting sense left in Italy to get these basics right. But I guess once an Empire falls it's all cheap Chianti, chain store pizza and Lega Nazionale football merchandise.
Soccer and tennis are both sloth-slow adopting new technologies or to tweak rules. They know they have excellent sporting frameworks and do not need to manufacture drama. There are enough personalities involved, and enough opportunity for both bad shots, and lucky moments, that neither sport needs to be further jazzed-up.
Similarly, baseball, cricket and basketball all offer hundreds of moments for divine genius, and cream-pie-in-da-face every single game. So many moving parts! Yet, the divine beauty of the engineering (ever bounded by yet more prescriptive rules...) in F1 is hidden back at the factory, and not shared in order to avoid giving a competitor an advantage. So we are left with two drivers on the starting grid, looking to, as the old quip goes... "To finish first, first you have to finish." With that mind-set as the lights go out it is never going to be the cut and thrust of Mike Tyson at his finest, or those poor barefoot Christians scampering like crack-fuelled kittens in front of a frenzied pack of seriously underfed lions.
No. Race distance in F1 is a considered affair, going as slow as possible at extreme pace. A blend not unlike a fine scotch during a chess game, or possibly Backgammon. Sip the scotch. Focus on the long game. Fascinating to perform. Boring as hell to watch unless you get the nuance.
So Liberty Media, long may their PR machine rumble, is grinding into battle with a desire to have logic, consideration, the long game, the engineering genius, the driving finesse, all mixed in with a galleon load of slaves ready for the slaughter, and lions on the verge of chewing their own paws off with hunger... Within a 90 minute time slice, flawlessly generating millisecond long bite-sized TikTok friendly moments every few seconds... while offering Taylor Swift back-stage passes, and a sporting event to rival Circus Maximus, and the Colosseum during their finest hours.
Were Saint Peter, Jesus, Mother Teresa, Pele, and Sir Donald Bradman given the task of making this work... well after a brisk, efficient and polite conversation they'd all crack a beer (actually a glass of red for Saint Peter, and Jesus, plus a water for Mother Teresa... and actually I think Sir Don preferred a red too... Actually Pele might simply join them all with a great drop of 1950 Chateau L'Evangile). Reset mental image. Beverages in hand they would pop NASCAR on the big screen, before settling down for a do-or-die, winner takes all, game of Twister. Laughing heartily our super-group elects to leave Liberty Media out in the cold with no true friends. Which if they continue on their current pathway would appear to be just where they are heading.
Saint Peter, Jesus and the gang are perfectly entertained by Twister, rather than the increasingly vicarious vacuum Liberty Media has mistaken for entertainment. Someone go grab the Backgammon board, I'll pour the Macallan. If we are to be entertained, we might need to do it ourselves. Liberty Media are too busy chasing return on investment with all the mindless glee of a kitten on crack chasing balls of wool in a tumble dryer. Let's see how that works out... Oh, and someone please feed the starved Lions so the Christians can slow down a bit and catch their breath. Maybe we can throw Stefano some raw meat and ask him to enter the arena and feed them. Now that would be entertainment.
Max Noble
Learn more about Max and check out his previous features, here