25/12/2018
FEATURE BY MAX NOBLE
Festive Season's warmest greetings dear reader...
It is the time for Capitalism to shine by giving us year-on-year sales figures, while the media, in true schizophrenic form, mixes stories of untold horror with whimsy of old, plus cute animal pictures.
Meanwhile on a yacht moored off Ibiza Jesus is re-reading his press releases for the 2018th time and wondering quite where the message got lost (obviously we cannot blame Peter and Paul, because as we all know Editors are wise and all knowing...).
This time last year I offered "A Crisis Carol" as a holiday article to explore the issues facing F1 as the 2017 season closed, and the 2018 season was a few months from kicking-off. With the collapse of Manor not that far behind us at the time, budget caps were the talk of the town.
I reframed this discussion in terms of the people within each team. When Toto Wolff recently stated he had 1,600 staff working harder than Santa's elves pulling an all-nighter it gives scale to the issue of what will really be cut when the budget sledgehammer falls...
...well, if it ever falls.
Chase - long may the Good Lord send angels to wax his 'tash - not only failed to grasp and swing the sledgehammer of destruction into budgets, he also failed to raise on high and smite with either the hammer of minor budget cuts, or the cotton-bud of useless changes.
Indeed one might argue Chase has lost the keys to the Business Management Tool Shed. Then again, Bernie probably locked the door on his way out, and then had the key placed in the same giant warehouse Indiana Jones used to hide the Arc of the Covenant. Actually, knowing Bernie, he placed them in the Arc of the Covenant...
So the teams were spared mass lay-offs because Chase has the tool wielding capability of the apes at the start of 2001 A Space Odyssey. Indeed, should a giant black obelisk suddenly appear in the middle of the paddock I'd strongly advise Toto to ensure Chase does not run over and touch it, for it will only end in tears if he does.
So my fears of last Christmas have been 100% averted purely through Chase doing nothing. Then again, maybe that is his amazing business plan for F1. We know he does a lot of thinking... indeed, in a recent interview with intelligent journalists Chase prefaced so many of his comments with "I think..." that one got the feeling he must be sponsored to use the expression 1000 times a day... along with "Y'know".
"I think..." is the American version of the slightly longer, more polite English tea-time phrase "Actually, in my opinion...". And as James Allison so intelligently noted in an interview about the greatest drivers (I paraphrase): "Well this is just my opinion, which is worth exactly the same as anyone else's opinion...".
James has the good grace and intelligence to know that an opinion is always valid, because it is just your view. How can you be wrong on what you think? Clearly Chase is keen to use this logical defence. He knows what he thinks... is what he thinks... so how can he be wrong in thinking that is what he is thinking? (Still with me here...?). What he did not give were third-party proven facts, or a clear and agreed plan for action with logical steps with due dates, and clear goals as outcomes. Oh no! Nothing that clear, logical, and measurable from Chase.
In the song Ashes to Ashes, David Bowie sang that he had never done good things, never done bad things, because he had never done anything at all.
Clearly Chase has taken this sage advice from the Brixton-born genius to heart. He did nothing bad on budgets this year, because he did nothing at all. Oh, he did a lot of thinking, he formed his own opinions, and then he did precisely nothing of an actionable, observable, real kind.
Early in the year he asked the teams, "How about it?", and they said, "be gone Romeo, we're never going on a date with you". And that was that.
I'm sure the "boys and girls back at the factory" are delighted Chase was so intent and thorough in doing nothing but thinking about budget cuts. After all, they all still have jobs.
I've been through endless "down sizing" and "right sizing" activities throughout my career and they are never fun. Steady as she goes is not too bad for staff members (except every one is wondering why we are not growing, and looking over their shoulders...), so the only happy state for a business is growth. That's capitalism, and year-on-year percentage increases inaction.
So while Chase has actively said he wants the sport to grow, and we've seen TV audiences drop year-on-year, he only thinks about budget cuts, and as a result thousands of people keep their jobs.
Yes, thousands. If we run with What's-my-Point Force India Racing (or whatever their latest bloody name is) as having 600 staff (before Papa Stroll opens the vaults) and take Toto's 1,600, and then assume the top three teams all have around the same numbers, that's three thousand jobs gone from Mercedes, Ferrari, and Red Bull. Then all those at the front end of the grid will shed another few hundred each. Let's call it five thousand job losses across all teams. And no, they will not get re-hired at another team, because they are all cutting at the very same time!
The drivers, team bosses, and head designers are all safe as these three jobs are required to run a team. Everyone else is going to be walking Zombie-like through the fog of unknowing, wondering when they are going to get both barrels as a lethal headshot and their career is over. Yes over.
No wonder Chase has done nothing on budgets this year. He has been thinking about those five thousand Zombies marching to his door to eat his flesh. That's if the capitalists already locked inside the compound with him do not stab him in the back first.
No wonder Chase has been doing so much thinking! The only place he is safe is within his own imagination... he's the one with the pink moustache riding the rainbow coloured unicorn by the way.
So rejoice lovers of Christmas Cheer! Good will towards men (and women, and all others) with whom God is pleased, and Chase is fully occupied thinking. Rest easy this Christmas and launch into the New Year with a smile on your face, and an income heading into your bank account, all because Chase did precisely nothing on budgets in 2018.
And if he really does believe in the Ghosts and Ghouls of Capitalism he might well leave them alone this year too. Let the teams attract all the money they can, run the budgets they can, and win as they can... Or put in place a "Budget Cap" that slashes jobs across the racing industry, places countless highly skilled crafts-folks, engineers, and thinkers out on the street, and watch the big teams skip around it with untraceable budgets from other departments, while the smaller teams stagger on as ever.
Part of me cannot wait to see both Christian Horner and Toto Wolff defending the fact that their chassis actually come from road car development and only cost $10 each (a single dollar would be insulting). Really! Look, here is the internal paperwork to prove it!
So God rest ye merry gentle-folk this Christmas. Raise a glass of your favourite beverage to all those that worked tirelessly this past season to bring us a great mix of sport, entertainment, politics, and amusement. Then as the liquid touches your lips, pause and smile as you think of all those who still have a job, and as you then think you might follow this glass with another, think of dear Chase (in his Grinch costume) at the top of Mount Carey raging against it all, and then sinking to his knees in the snow, thinking about all that might have been.
Merry Christmas Mister Grinch! And thank-you for doing nothing this past season. Joy to all!
Max Noble.
Learn more about Max and check out his previous features, here