In a Pitpass exclusive, via a freak series of events involving a garbage truck, a Segway, and an Uber Eats delivery driver, we can present this inside scoop of a note that we believe has come from the heart of Chase Carey's organisation.
So, fresh from under a Simpsons fridge magnet holding pride of place in Mom Carey's kitchen, we bring you this latest news. At least we think it is from this year, and not from the ghost of some distant Christmas past...
Dear Mom and Dad,
Well, another year break over and I'm retuning to that European boarding school for a third year. Such a great break, lovely to relax with every one, get some quality Twinkies on the coffee table and finish off with a Coors Lite-fuelled low scoring super bowl. But dog that half time show!
So good to soak-up proper culture back in my home state with the pure comforts of home. It really gets my mind clear on how to export our core values to the world. So I felt compelled to leave this note on the refrigerator door in the hope you might read it over morning coffee and have a smile on me. If I'd tried to post it from school that naughty Christian might have spilt my milk all over it, or that fawning Jean might have scrawled some of his off-colour French rhymes on the envelope. So pardon the crayon but it was all I could find in the kitchen draw.
I still think I got a bum deal on my year group. I mean. We've got the strutting Italian who, apparently, has lost his place this year and his cousin (I think) is taking over the Italian gang. Hopefully he is more reasonable and happy to throw a baseball around in the afternoon and not endlessly want to play soccer, or football as those Europeans will insist on calling it. That's when they come out to play, of course. Often we'll be a player down for table-top football and the Italians will never step up and play. They never returns my texts either.
Do you remember all those family holidays where there was always the smug German family with the larger yacht, newer Mercedes, or better room with plunge pool? Well the son of them all is in my year too! Why I ask? What have I done in a previous life!? He has designer clothes, speaks several of those pesky European languages and is a hit with the boys and girls. It's not fair! He talks so smooth, and yet never agrees with anyone. Actually I think he comes from Austria, or was it Australia? I don' know all these tiny European countries look the same to me. Anyway, they all nod and smile when he suggests new playground games, failing to see he only ever suggests all the things he loves! No one else's ideas ever get a look in, and he loves them for it! I am determined this term to make him a friend and get him to back some of my ideas so we can play my games.
Then those crazy old Brits! We've several of them, but where to start? All we agree on is that the French are annoying. Each time the short French kid walks past they smile and as soon as he has passed by they stick one hand into their blazers, purse their lips and frown before breaking into hearty laughter. It's a joke that never grows old. Not sure why it's funny but I've been laughing along and that seems to be earning me some friendship.
I've recently got one the Brit Boys in my gang. Nothing sinister I promise! No leather jackets and knife fights! He's a real maths and science nerd, but at least he takes the time to talk with me, so I think he could be a good friend this term. He's got another mate who I'd love to get into my gang, but the King of the Jocks, Christian, has him so devoted its sickly. Not sure what Christian's magic is. The German (Austrian, Lithuanian...?) lad is all charm and, well Christian is a bit of a moaner, but the others in the playground seem to love him. It's like the Brits are only happy when they have something to complain about, and if it is something related to the French even better!
We have another American kid now! First year or two he was real quiet and would only hang-out with the Italians. Then, just at the end of last year, he started hanging out with me. It was cool! My second real new friend at this school! But as I'm getting to know him I'm getting worried. You know the type of kid, real keen to play the games you suggest, laugh at all your jokes, then all of a sudden gets all sulky and says no one wants to play his games and goes all silent and grumpy. So I hope he had a great holiday back here in the States just as we did. Then he might come back to school this year with a smile on his face. I guess we will see! I've got my baseball, proper football, heck, I've even got a basket-ball if we get desperate, so I hope he wants to play my games my way and it will be a great start to term.
The school also recently went openly Co-Ed. You'd never of guessed, but apparently it was never strictly an all-boys school, it just looked that way. Anyway to avoid continuing confusion they now have girls in some key roles. One is captain of one of the junior sports teams, of course the German kid is well connected with some lovely girls, but none are in my gang yet. I think I might work on that too this year. I'm discovering that European girls are more complex than our lovely ladies.
I also think I am finally getting the hang of all the quaint European customs. They are a funny bunch! They all live so close together in their cute little houses, and yet they all have a different view on everything! I mean! It's like Upper Manhattan and Lower Manhattan speaking different languages and drinking different beer! Surely they can all get on.
I hope this gives you an idea of some of the main quirks I'm getting my head around, but if you or Pa have suggestions on how better to tackle them please let me know!
The French love nothing more than public displays of unity. They fight in private, wave flags and sing together in public. Those yellow jumper chaps are all in on this! Lance (he was one of ours) wore yellow for seven long years before it was too much for the French and fell apart. I mean, there's no pleasing them no matter what we do!
Actually, has it ever struck you as funny that it's named New England and no one sought to change it after the War of Independence? I mean we love Europe as much as the next third world country, so why do they get so grumpy with my ideas and suggestions? Sorry, loss of focus there.
Where was I?
Music! I've been trying to get lots of our hottest rap and stuff into the school every day, plus all the zing of our World Class Wrestling, or whatever it's called, and really jazz-up afternoon sports, but no one is keen! I mean I've arranged all this and paid for it and they still do not care. The Brits start singing “Jerusalem” and then a few of them start running really slowly and giggling again. I really don't get that joke.
So I promise I'll study hard this term and I'll be nice to them all, even the quirky French, and I'll try to get a lift in my grades so you can both be proud of me.
I promise I'll drop a line more often than last year, and it will be really good if I can get home a couple of times before all of a sudden it's thanksgiving again!
Love and hugs to you both always,
Your Chasie.
Max Noble.
Learn more about Max and check out his previous features, here
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